Don't get used to all the long block thought dumps that actually have thought behind them! I'll be going right back to the monotone life updates when winter break ends in January :3
Do I trust myself?
Do I trust myself? I guess that’s a hard question. Most days, I don’t even know what’s real anymore, so how can I trust me to know what’s right? It feels like my thoughts are all mixed up, like a puzzle where all the pieces are from different sets, and no matter how much I try, they won’t fit together. Sometimes I think I can handle things, like when I pretend to be okay in front of people. But inside, it’s different. I get these feelings—like something’s wrong, and I can’t fix it. I want to believe I can get better, that maybe I can trust myself again, but it’s hard when every little decision feels like it’s too big for me to make. There are days when I feel okay. I can do things, like schoolwork or hanging out with friends, and I feel like I’ve got this. But then, something will happen, and it’s like the whole world flips upside down. I don’t know if it’s my mind playing tricks on me or if I’m really seeing things the way they are. I start wondering if I’m imagining everything—whether the emotions I feel are mine or just something my brain made up to confuse me. I don’t know how to trust myself when everything I think and feel feels like it’s in question. How do you even trust your instincts when they keep changing? One minute, I feel like I’m not good enough, like I’ll never get better. The next, I think maybe I can do this, maybe I can fix whatever’s wrong with me. But then, the thoughts come crashing back. They remind me of all the things I’ve messed up before, of all the moments where I should’ve been stronger, better, more in control. And then I wonder: if I can't trust myself, who can I trust? Maybe someday, I’ll be able to trust myself again. I don’t know when that day will come, or if it will even happen. For now, all I can do is try my best. But trusting myself? That feels like a faraway dream. And right now, all I can do is hold on and hope things get clearer. Maybe one day, I’ll wake up and know for sure that I’m not broken. Maybe. But I don’t know if that day is today. Or tomorrow. Or ever. (ew edgy!!! emo!!! ew!!!)
Anything else?
my teeth really hurt from all the lebkuchen I've eaten today. The mother is attempting to make me consume rosół but that doesn't sound edible today. The only edible sounding thing today are the teeth-rotters.
have a good day!!