Not much happens on the weekends so it's more of a thought dump post that a life post!!
Do I think I'm a good person? Why? (Lots of pretentious philosophy references that are wrong and a lot of self-pitying)
Do I think I'm a good person? That’s the question I’ve been circling like a hawk today. My head’s a maze, and every turn is a different answer, and none of them lead anywhere solid. If you asked me this yesterday, I’d have said no. Definitely not. Good people don’t feel the things I feel—that sharp, biting anger when someone brushes me off, or the way I secretly like it when others fail, or the annoyance and frustration I feel towards people checking in on me when they're just trying to be nice. I can’t stop seeing these ugly, jagged parts of myself, and I’m so scared they’re the real me. But today, I don’t know. I was reading Kierkegaard (don’t roll your eyes, I actually get it this time), and he talks about despair being this kind of sickness in the soul. Like, you’re stuck because you’re not being your true self. And I wonder if that’s what’s wrong with me. Maybe all this guilt and self-loathing isn’t because I’m bad, but because I’m trying so hard to be good and failing. Maybe a truly bad person wouldn’t care. I mean, what even is a “good person” anyway? Aristotle says it’s about virtues, but what if the virtues I think I’m practicing are just selfishness in disguise? Like when I help a friend with their homework, is it because I’m generous or because I want to feel important? Does it even matter if the end result is the same? And then there’s this terrifying thought: what if goodness is just some story we tell ourselves to sleep better at night? Nietzsche would probably say it’s a lie we invented to make society work. But if I believe that, does it mean I’m giving up on being good entirely? Can you even be good without believing in it? I want to be good. I want to be the kind of person who’s kind and honest and brave, someone who lifts people up instead of dragging them down. But then I think about all the ways I mess up—the times I’ve lied, or snapped, or just stood by when I should’ve done something. Those moments feel like weights around my ankles. And then there’s this voice in my head (mine? Not mine? I can’t tell anymore) that says, “You’re faking it. You’re a fraud.” Maybe that’s why I’ve entered my "pretentious philosophy gym bro" era where I just skim over philosophy without looking into it too much. I’m looking for some kind of answer, some universal rule to follow. But the more I read, the more it feels like nobody agrees. Kant says it’s about duty. Mill says it’s about happiness. Simone de Beauvoir says it’s about freedom. And all I’ve got is this messy, mixed-up heart that doesn’t seem to fit into any of their boxes. So do I think I’m a good person? Right now, I’d say maybe. Maybe goodness isn’t something you are, but something you do, moment by moment. And maybe the fact that I’m asking this question at all means I’m at least trying. But trying doesn’t always feel like enough. And I don’t know if it ever will. So maybe I should probably just use my own brain instead of the brains of people who died like 200 years ago. But thinking's a lot of effort so I'd rather not.
Additional stuff!
hngggg I love lebkuchen, I have too much physics homework to do today
have a good day!!